Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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