Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
