My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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