in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
