Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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