what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i drank out of a bidet.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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