Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
