god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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