I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize