You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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