i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
