so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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