I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
