Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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