Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
