Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
