So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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