did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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