I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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