We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
