it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
