i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
