I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
