She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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