Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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