Where did you get a picture of my penis
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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