My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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