My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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