I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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