anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
