Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
