Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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