I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
