youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
