Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
