tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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