Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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