K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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