I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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