I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
