Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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