I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
