Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
