I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
