I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
