True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
