I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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