i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
