dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Too much gin, very little bucket
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize