what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
