Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
