Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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