You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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