I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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