Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
