i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
