I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
